Preface
G’day, I’m here to teach you how to be a true blue Australian. This is a mixture of hard yakka, ‘aussie aussie aussie, oi oi oi’, Bunnings snags on a Saturday and Frank Walker from National Tiles.
After reading this manual, you’ll be able to talk the lingo with your mates, track down a Shelia, and blend seamlessly into the stitch work of Australian Life.
*Note, this applies nationally, but some places, like Queensland and WA are dog’s breakfast, and follow their own set of formalities.
Chapter One- The Aussie Gene Pond
What does it mean to grow up an ‘aussie’? Most minds drift to a convict hand-me-down with that accent, a slur they reckon originated from being maggoted all the time.
You have to look far back to find where ‘Aussie’ DNA came from. If you’re blonde maybe you have some Scandinavian. If you have lithe long fingers maybe French. How you look might matter a little bit, but if you’re a mixer or a traveler, it doesn’t matter, so long as you know the words to ‘Wheels on the Bus’. Australia thrives on its multiculturalism, and its banter. That means we have lots of people that live here, and we are still racist about it. But Aussies are laid back so don’t take it personal.
Chapter two- Making Mates
In Australia, we call not giving a shit ‘down to earth’. Calmly and politely not giving a shit is the epitome of being a man in Australia, that and being either surfy or bushy, which is why Chris Hemsworth is our choice for national dreamboat.
Being the ideal Aussie woman includes not taking anyone’s shit but being quiet about it.
We Aussies don’t give a shit so much that we don’t even need a government. We all reckon they’re pisspots and drongos. Bill Shorten looks like a cane toad, and Malcolm Turnbull looks like a muppet. They don’t do much except spend taxpayer’s money, decide to build shit and then backtrack, oh and finally legalize gay marriage, after a stupid plebiscite that half of us didn’t even vote on. We don’t vote unless there’s a sausage sizzle on.
You know an ‘Aussie’ is being authentic with you if they call you a cunt. If you get called mate, you’re being patronized, either because we reckon you’re a wacko, or we hate you.
Common phrases you might hear from an aggravated Australian:
‘Oi mate, can ya settle down?’
‘Oi mate use ya blinkers’
‘Oi mate, hows it goin? That bloke's a bloody wacko’
And of course, all manner of swear words. Aussies swear, just not to our Grandma’s.
Chapter Three- National Pastimes
There aren’t too many holidays we celebrate like we do with Australia Day. Especially if you came from the 80’s, you must have a great sense of national pride. You don’t want to go out and buy a new pair of thongs, or an esky, because that’s too commercial, but you might buy a sticker for your bumper, or a flag to proudly flap outside your house, might even wear it as a cape, because we are all superheroes, even though the Aborigines want their day back.
But hey, we still respect them and all that, like at the footy we make sure to include a smooth blend of their culture and our culture into our uniforms.
Footy is the next big topic, so study up. No sport is like footy, it unifies us as a country. Even if you don’t watch it, you’ve gotta have a team. If it’s Collingwood, you will have to endure jokes about not having teeth, so don’t pick them. Pick a team from a place where you feel resonates with you. The tiges, the bombers, the blues, the doggies, pick wisely and never change because changing teams is un-Australian.
Next get used to drinking. If you’re a bloke, you better learn to like Corona or Carlton Draught. If you’re a woman, you may also sample this masculine drink, but a Cruiser is probably more acceptable.
We love the drop. If you don’t drink then there must be something wrong with you.
Conclusion
Good on ya if you finished the manual. Remember above all, be yourself, but a quieter, less foreign version of yourself. Seeya out there.
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